Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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