So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
