A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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