Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
