Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
