I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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