So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
