i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
