Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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