He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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