You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
