Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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