I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we're making bets on your personal life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
