I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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