The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
