I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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