dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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