Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
