Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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