i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize