I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
