Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
