He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
