I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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