I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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