I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
These tits shall not be calmed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize