so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
