I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
