I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
