I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
