I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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