Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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