Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
