I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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