my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
