Four minutes until I can fart!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
