just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
