Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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