Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
