I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
