Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
