Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
