just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
