I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
