Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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