You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize