I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
