once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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