you lied. pity sex is amazing.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
