I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
