he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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