I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
