i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
