My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
