Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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