You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
