yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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