I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I met the friendliest cop last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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