I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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