What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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