I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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