Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
