So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
