i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
