So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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