Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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