your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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