note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
