Your dad touched me again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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