turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
