You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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