Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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