I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize