Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
