this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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