the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
