First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
