It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
