Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
