I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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