Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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