My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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